Insanity

Tight in chest, feels like I’m hyperventilating. Thoughts in back of my mind like ‘what does she have on me’? 

No winning when your feelings are split, divided by loyalty and desire. 

Taking my power back, stirring fear in the eyes, I’m no longer afraid of this demise. Shattered dreams and promises, faded nightmares and heavy baggage. 

I still choose

It’s always my choice 

Your options are leaving me empty 

With only one choice 

Will it set you free? 

Is it what you desire? 

To be free of burden, guilt and past wrongs you never got the chance to right? To maintain the self inflicted image of ‘good guy’?

Did I have the power to break you so that you would have the power to break me? 

A cycle of love, dependency

Is there love without pain, love without regret? Is this love worth it? 

This pain so expensive, soaking through future smiles & molding the ceiling.

All of the stains that bleach cannot wash 

Hands stiff and eyes bleeding tears,

I continue to try, holding on to the crumpled foundation, setting aside the large rocks that once bound us together. 

She got into the crevices

Soiled your soul with her excitement 

Kissed your ego with her adornments. Meanwhile, I…

I scape together the broken fragments 

Hands bruised, heart ejected, eyes looking for the reassurance my intuition gave away. 

I scape on my bleeding knees digging, deeper into the dirt, do you remember when we began to build here? 

Did you forget or is it just no longer where your heart lives? 

Give me back my pride before I take it 

Give me back my pieces so I can rebuild 

Give me the truth that my heart can’t handle.

Break me dammit! Break me, so that I no longer remember! So that, the blueprint that keeps me rebuilding the same story is obsolete. Break me, so I no longer participate in the same story.

LionessA

Has fuck me eyes, hips sway smooth as ocean tides, cradling her deep mysterious depth, she floats by with careful careless steps

In her zone all prey is ripe for her seduction thus she gives nor acknowledges any introduction

Her essence is sultry, juicy, wet, tangy & sweet it commands all who is disavowed at her feet, their curiosity swallowed in the shallows of her ripples

All stall in admiration, each warm, slow, silent breath peer in a gaze at the audacity of her glare- glacier sharp, deadly precise, as she cavalierly freezes everything in sight

She graciously deciphers all bitter doubts warped in faux confidence, lasers through phony fears as she viciously attacks the life not worth saving

Her pupils enflame as the fire ignites within, crazy, sexy, exhilarating, explosions of life’s possibilities pushed from her possessions, she births the only life worth living

Satisfied, as her ‘you can’t fuck with me’ smirk smears every ego with tornado like tenacity, she glides the trail her fire blazed with no relation or ties to time.

Morning After

My Mind movies are so vivid, so many scripts I’ve written, my eyes wide open, yet your half smile and dimple block my vision.

What is this moment? So sensual the blood flows down to my thighs while I envision your mouths proximity to my lips, your lips so smooth you can hear my wet lips whispering.

How did you know how to hold me and love me like this? As the plot twist my subconscious unveils the secret insecurities that embody the flaw that gives you the choice to choose me.

Which is reality? This passion and yearning spilling inside that has me mesmerized with the lies that the vibrations down my spine are deeper than the invisible scent of pheromones that has created this fruitful act.

Could this be anything beyond my inevitable dream where nature is fighting for my existence to exist beyond me?

Why than does my passion always exhibit pain? The entangled truth that my mind so cavalierly remastered; This old love story that I keep desperately trying to record over.

To have a second chance to claim stake to the man whose seed created me. He created the blueprint of maps that the opposite sex should use to whoo me-yet my first glimpse of a mans love were all deleted scenes. The psychological thriller where love is a chase after a void that could never be filled, so I fall in love with the elusive truth that feels like your breath on my neck and your arms as my sleeves.

Don’t fall in love, you say you can’t love me back, I search for you, your smile so familiar, your touch magnetic, your heart the star in someone else’s production. A big feature! Beautiful and song like, more of a documentary as you direct the perfect angle, starring you as the lead.

I give into the scent of failure perfectly wrapped in your package of passion. On our nest I lay, my mind in a daze, hypnotized by last night as I play us in my mind over and over. Each scene I breath more slowly, awaiting and anticipating a different ending.

In this fight against gravity, this battle to make someone else’s love fall in love with me. I lay so enticed as my mind creates the scripts where you; this time fight for me.

I fight to block the lingering scent of your cologne out of my subconscious where the aroma of you and the creation of us bask on my pillow. In my bed where the seed of you and those before you, continue the cycle to bare this barren fruit filled passion disguised as the real thing

‘this time’.

Jaded

You said all of the right things, me absorbing them like oil seething through my skin

It was you who inquired into my sphere, asking for directions that only a few will ever know

I blush soaking in the charm, small kisses, firm embrace folded into your arms, that scent drifts me over the top, oh you like my mind huh? The places it goes, my eyes sneer admiring this man who holds his own.

You advance, I think, halt, contemplate; what is it you seek from me? My desire isolated yet burning, my eyes searching for reassurance, your grasp-so reassuring.

My mind curious, my legs drip like coffee in the pot ever so slowly, my heart debating, my nipples reaching, you taste them and tell me sweet nothings- I hear you – I embrace your balcony, my body pleads will you catch me?

Damn, I got my answer, no-not from you who didn’t bother to answer, but from my pride as my fingers marinated on the plastic screen searching for the right emoji, my mind in a trance navigating my emotions through emotionless text

I breathe slowly and the hours pass, fooling myself with the preoccupation of another task, but that shit ain’t working, just like the warmth between my legs that you deserted. I should’ve worked my hips harder in that circular motion, pulsed my pelvis to meet your thrust more urgently, was I too late to accommodate your pleasure? Too irrelevant to occupy your mind?

I’m just sitting here trying not to be jaded but your smile, unmarked by my hostility, unfazed by my confusion, unbothered by my desperation. What would your answer tell me that I don’t already know? My sacred place was my secret to keep, not yours, my vulnerability was mine to protect, not yours.

How can I be jaded when I gave you the knife and welcomed your incision, my mind padded the imagery I hoped to be true, clouded by blind spots, allowing you to crash, carefully curating and preying on the perfect spot to enter, strike, bang, degrade than leave, leave me jaded.

 

Fools Gold

My gold travels far beyond the continent of my ancestors,

 through my eyes lies eternal life.
I know you fear me, but I am no longer afraid.

No longer will I allow your insecurities to penetrate beyond the layers of this temporary suit.
I see the fire in your soul as it transfers from your pen into your print, your photography, politics, laws and media.

My body ache yet my soul simply remembers;

My melanin is a constant marker of my status in which your social hierarchy goes through great measure to collapse.

You rip me apart, dragging pieces of me across each new conquest as my blood continues to plant the soil in your new-found world.

Your gluttony is no match for the universe; it is she who carries me.

Watering the trails of blood dispersed with the souls of the dark bodies you destroy, recreating her form stronger as her ancestors remember through her.

With every export of her minerals she watches you,

her soul remember what her new suit cannot. This cyclical spirit is one with the minerals of her land.

Like her body you rape and murder to fuel your temporary comforts.

As eternal life her eyes binds the past and present,

A mother’s weary gaze witnessing the demise of her son; ignorant of his cannibalistic quest to destroy  her.

Readers insight

I understand that my thoughts can be perceived as somewhat abstract to some. For this reason I decided to explain the path Fools Gold took me to invite others along with me in this journey. My first visit to South Africa inspired the spirit of this passage. For a month I observed the beauty of the landscape from the mountains, rivers, oceans, wildlife, people and the multiplicity of language and culture. For the first time I was in a country whose population was dominated by people who look like me. Who carried similar chuckles of my uncles, jaw lines of my grandfathers, hips of my grandmothers, and hair weaves and demeanors similar to mine. Before my foreign American accent gave away my westernized identity, I was perceived to belong somewhere along the complex social hierarchy of South Africa. In many ways my social status was materialize in the many interactions I encountered with each distinct group having their privilege and/or invisibility intact.
These encounters provoked thoughts that expanded my view of the African diaspora. Although my experience in one country expanding over two of its largest cities does not in any way warrant a analysis of the African continent and its vast diversity & complexity; I was inspired to pay homage. To acknowledge the rich environment conducive to hold the pieces of the oldest skeletal matter of human existence on earth. With such a distinct notability it is easy to understand why it is also argued to boost the largest abundance of natural minerals. Fools Gold attempts to capture this connection between the environment that is believed to cradle humanity and her diaspora of resources. These resources travel far beyond the colonial greed of minerals. They also connect the vast displacement and theft of language and culture metamorphosed into new beginnings. Even further, her legacy runs into the essence of life around the world. This is my acknowledgement of that lineage.

Red Dress

20 dresses and none of them fit,
Not the right color, look, texture, or silhouette. One didn’t compliment my makeup in nude, the other convinced me I was trying too hard, just trying to be beautiful without trying.

I tried on 20 dresses to find one perfect for you, but you weren’t impressed by either, because time didn’t allow for our leisure.

Finally, I decided on the grandest of all; soft, silky, red. It glazed my sheer sheets as I lay thinking of you.

I wondered what you would have thought of the chosen one. I thought about the irony of me choosing her for you, and you not being that impressed by either of us.

I wonder which dress did your chosen one choose?

Why I Want My Man Like My Food

By failing to make this connection between sexual desire and procreation we have stripped the essence and significance of sexual intimacy to that of lust.

Sex Sells; in the media, music, Hollywood and all facets of our culture. Through this propaganda we have bought into the idea that sex sells happiness. It is advertised as the ultimate indulgence with no consequences. Similar to the American diet this perspective is highly processed. It is high in pleasure and low in nutritional significant. (Wait..huh?) Don’t worry I’ll explain.

The glorification of sex is simply societal lust. All species have the innate desire to procreate to prolong their survival. To promote this natural and healthy process we feel sexual desire. This desire is simply the side effect of our biological intuition to initiate this self-preservation. By failing to make this connection between sexual desire and procreation we have stripped the essence and significance of sexual intimacy to that of lust. Lust is the desire of sexual pleasure devoid of value. By seeking pleasure without principle we may be attracting more pain than pleasure.

Our addiction to lust is similar to our addiction to processed foods. They both lack the complete nutritional value our bodies crave to survive. (Still confused)? Let’s break this concept down. Sugar is one of the most processed foods in the American diet. How can it be so lethal and addictive when it is derived from the nutrient-dense fruit? The significance is how our bodies processes the two.

Whole fruits are high in sugar but also rich in many other nutrients essential to our bodies. When we consume whole fruit our bodies takes time to slowly release the perfect amount of energy our body needs to thrive. It is our bodies natural way of maintaining equilibrium. Therefore, the gratification our body feels is balanced. The fruit is the whole package.

Contrarily, sugar causes a dramatic and immediate spike in energy giving us a hyper sense of satisfaction. Because sugar is derived from its natural state there is no substance accompanied with it to slow this process down. Therefore, our bodies become addicted to this rapid strike of instant gratification that is both unnatural and unrealistic for the body to maintain. Thus, lust like sugar have been derived from its natural state which in turn both hinders and alter its natural functionality.

In our bodies Lust functions similar to the sugar derived from the fruit. The difference is our bodies cannot distinguish the different between a lustful fling and a lifetime partner. Therefore, the love and passion that should be reserved for nest building is incorrectly exerted onto the wrong partner who is uninterested and uncommitted to a partnership. This state of denial encourages complacency because either you are building or you are stagnant. We have to be selective about who we give this very sacred energy to because not everyone deserves this level of trust and energy from us.

Now I know popular culture has stigmatized the emotional connection between the male and female but it is a natural and vital part of the survival of most species. Which is why we really have little choice in ‘catching feelings’. Oxytocin is a powerful hormone linked to building trust and bonds within relationships. It is no surprise that it is released in abundance during our most intimate moments. Both men and women release this chemical when their body reaches a orgasm. It is also released by mothers during childbirth and breastfeeding; it creates the most natural and secure bond between mother and child. (Just like the whole fruit naturally balances the body). This chemical is so potent that it plays a very important role in the protection of our off-spring. Through its release we are compelled to sacrifice and endure struggle for the protection and survival of those we share this special connection with. By releasing these emotions a special bond is created to encourage survivalism through perseverance and sacrifice that we are willing to take to protect our off-spring. Therefore, there is nothing unnatural about the creation of intimate connections. The social stigma attached to sexual bondage is born out of our societies obsession with lust and is both highly processed and unnatural.

I now understand that sex with no substance is equivalent to food with no nutrients. We really are only what we consume. If we want to thrive in life we have to give our body what it needs. Anything that hinders this ability is toxic. In this sense, lust is synonymous to the empty calories found in processed foods. They are both highly addictive and unnatural when extracted from its organic origins. Why should you settle for just the sugar when you deserve the whole fruit?

DeFlection

I have this secret addiction to pain, it is why I crave you,

You reach all of my peaks, my highs and my lows, leaving me desperate for any emotion, pain or pleasure it is your pick.

The silence slowly slices my confidence sending my rage and pain into confusion.

How did I arrive at this place again?

In the lowest hours I curse myself, my punishment for believing in the myth you, yourself never bought into.

Your intolerance for my love marked in black thick permanent ink, yet I continue to draw over it. Twisting your letters into the words that soothes me.

It is unfair to displace my pain onto  you. Truth is, my pain predates your existence. The constant longing for validation outside the confines of my psyche.

I am no fool,

I understand clearly the disconnection. The bandaid I beg of you seals the surface of my wounds. It allows me to ignore the burdens beneath.

You cannot reconstruct what you cannot touch.

I will wrap my arms around this aching until you relax the the surface again.

The cycle of my addition.

Why can’t  you just reach further? Why can’t you seal what is exposed underneath?

Un-live the events in which these scars were born, peel away the layers of patch work, and redo me!

I am no fool,

I know your hands cannot reach the confines in which my secret lies,

I am addicted to building on this compromised foundation,

I know nothing can thrive on the surface of these fault lines,

It is here, deep inside, that my worth remains buried, forever consoling my secret addition.

Note to Self

I’m on a new mission; I’m going to find myself.

A lifestyle change that is catered to being my best-self.

I’m no longer committed to carry the baggage I bought from this culture of gluttony.

This is my life, my journey, and I have to protect it.

The myth that glorifies material lust over peace of mind; I’m walking away from.

The social doctrine that advertises wealth as freedom; I’m escaping from this mental trap.

I’m taking charge of my life.

I want to live, in order to do that I have to peel away the layers of glue keeping me stuck to this way of life.

I’m breaking the shackles indebted with a passion not my own.

 

Peace of Mind

Everyday is another chance to get it right this time. Lauryn Hill begins by repeating “I gotta find peace of mind, see that’s what that voice in your head says when you try to get peace of mind”.

It took me a long time to understand just how powerful I am. It was my body that made this discovery for me. (LoL wait.. I’ll explain). Our body is an amazing organism. If all we did was listen to it our bodies will give us peace of mind. It provides us with the blueprint to survive. When functioning at its peak it will breathe for us, fight infections, access danger, and alert us when we should eat, sleep, and drink… so yes, as humans we are inherently lazy.

I now understand when we listen to our bodies our peace of mind will find us. The peace of mind in Lauryn Hill song is eluding to this constant need for our bodies to reach equilibrium. Our bodies are so amazingly resilient that it still functions when we neglect to listen to it. To feed it the proper nutrients to fuel it; to rest when it needs to cool down; to shed excess baggage when it’s overwhelmed. If we start listening to these things we will hear our bodies encouraging us to do these things so it can function as its best self, smoothly at equilibrium. Once we reach this state of health of bodies will change our lives.

Our minds will function and flourish doing the things that we love, our passions that come natural to us, which are unique to us. I’m beginning to understand that life is less about making it or surviving based on a capitalistic perspective but living out our passions. It’s interesting to think that our bodies can thrive off all of the elements found in the earth. The fruits and vegetables from trees, the water from the springs and literally needs little beyond that. So why are we so adamant that we need so much more?

Of course we want the best for our off-spring, in fact we are biologically wired with the desire to procreate to prolong our lives. I just want us to think critically about what we have been socialized to want and the basic necessities we need to survive. Using other mammals as an example, we understand that our young mimic everything that we do. What is the number one thing you want to pass to your off-spring? I’m going to guess its not material. All the more reason that time, not material things are the most critical factor in their success as functional human beings. If we work as a community to stop glorifying goods that are not conducive to our survival we can change the social standard of what raising successful human beings look like.

I know some of these ideas may sound fantastical but I can’t help but think critically about how we can all be the agent for change. I use myself as an example because the things I once I thought I needed to be happy was nothing more than material lust. I am fascinated with this idea of extracting social standards to gauge my personal standard of happiness and freedom. The further I get away from social lust, the closer I get to ridding myself of excess expectations. This process is my bodies way of finding that piece of mind Lauryn Hill is searching for. What’s yours?