DeFlection

I have this secret addiction to pain, it is why I crave you,

You reach all of my peaks, my highs and my lows, leaving me desperate for any emotion, pain or pleasure it is your pick.

The silence slowly slices my confidence sending my rage and pain into confusion.

How did I arrive at this place again?

In the lowest hours I curse myself, my punishment for believing in the myth you, yourself never bought into.

Your intolerance for my love marked in black thick permanent ink, yet I continue to draw over it. Twisting your letters into the words that soothes me.

It is unfair to displace my pain onto  you. Truth is, my pain predates your existence. The constant longing for validation outside the confines of my psyche.

I am no fool,

I understand clearly the disconnection. The bandaid I beg of you seals the surface of my wounds. It allows me to ignore the burdens beneath.

You cannot reconstruct what you cannot touch.

I will wrap my arms around this aching until you relax the the surface again.

The cycle of my addition.

Why can’t  you just reach further? Why can’t you seal what is exposed underneath?

Un-live the events in which these scars were born, peel away the layers of patch work, and redo me!

I am no fool,

I know your hands cannot reach the confines in which my secret lies,

I am addicted to building on this compromised foundation,

I know nothing can thrive on the surface of these fault lines,

It is here, deep inside, that my worth remains buried, forever consoling my secret addition.