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Tight in chest, feels like I’m hyperventilating. Thoughts in back of my mind like ‘what does she have on me’? 

No winning when your feelings are split, divided by loyalty and desire. 

Taking my power back, stirring fear in the eyes, I’m no longer afraid of this demise. Shattered dreams and promises, faded nightmares and heavy baggage. 

I still choose

It’s always my choice 

Your options are leaving me empty 

With only one choice 

Will it set you free? 

Is it what you desire? 

To be free of burden, guilt and past wrongs you never got the chance to right? To maintain the self inflicted image of ‘good guy’?

Did I have the power to break you so that you would have the power to break me? 

A cycle of love, dependency

Is there love without pain, love without regret? Is this love worth it? 

This pain so expensive, soaking through future smiles & molding the ceiling.

All of the stains that bleach cannot wash 

Hands stiff and eyes bleeding tears,

I continue to try, holding on to the crumpled foundation, setting aside the large rocks that once bound us together. 

She got into the crevices

Soiled your soul with her excitement 

Kissed your ego with her adornments. Meanwhile, I…

I scape together the broken fragments 

Hands bruised, heart ejected, eyes looking for the reassurance my intuition gave away. 

I scape on my bleeding knees digging, deeper into the dirt, do you remember when we began to build here? 

Did you forget or is it just no longer where your heart lives? 

Give me back my pride before I take it 

Give me back my pieces so I can rebuild 

Give me the truth that my heart can’t handle.

Break me dammit! Break me, so that I no longer remember! So that, the blueprint that keeps me rebuilding the same story is obsolete. Break me, so I no longer participate in the same story.

Has fuck me eyes, hips sway smooth as ocean tides, cradling her deep mysterious depth, she floats by with careful careless steps

In her zone all prey is ripe for her seduction thus she gives nor acknowledges any introduction

Her essence is sultry, juicy, wet, tangy & sweet it commands all who is disavowed at her feet, their curiosity swallowed in the shallows of her ripples

All stall in admiration, each warm, slow, silent breath peer in a gaze at the audacity of her glare- glacier sharp, deadly precise, as she cavalierly freezes everything in sight

She graciously deciphers all bitter doubts warped in faux confidence, lasers through phony fears as she viciously attacks the life not worth saving

Her pupils enflame as the fire ignites within, crazy, sexy, exhilarating, explosions of life’s possibilities pushed from her possessions, she births the only life worth living

Satisfied, as her ‘you can’t fuck with me’ smirk smears every ego with tornado like tenacity, she glides the trail her fire blazed with no relation or ties to time.

My Mind movies are so vivid, so many scripts I’ve written, my eyes wide open, yet your half smile and dimple block my vision.

What is this moment? So sensual the blood flows down to my thighs while I envision your mouths proximity to my lips, your lips so smooth you can hear my wet lips whispering.

How did you know how to hold me and love me like this? As the plot twist my subconscious unveils the secret insecurities that embody the flaw that gives you the choice to choose me.

Which is reality? This passion and yearning spilling inside that has me mesmerized with the lies that the vibrations down my spine are deeper than the invisible scent of pheromones that has created this fruitful act.

Could this be anything beyond my inevitable dream where nature is fighting for my existence to exist beyond me?

Why than does my passion always exhibit pain? The entangled truth that my mind so cavalierly remastered; This old love story that I keep desperately trying to record over.

To have a second chance to claim stake to the man whose seed created me. He created the blueprint of maps that the opposite sex should use to whoo me-yet my first glimpse of a mans love were all deleted scenes. The psychological thriller where love is a chase after a void that could never be filled, so I fall in love with the elusive truth that feels like your breath on my neck and your arms as my sleeves.

Don’t fall in love, you say you can’t love me back, I search for you, your smile so familiar, your touch magnetic, your heart the star in someone else’s production. A big feature! Beautiful and song like, more of a documentary as you direct the perfect angle, starring you as the lead.

I give into the scent of failure perfectly wrapped in your package of passion. On our nest I lay, my mind in a daze, hypnotized by last night as I play us in my mind over and over. Each scene I breath more slowly, awaiting and anticipating a different ending.

In this fight against gravity, this battle to make someone else’s love fall in love with me. I lay so enticed as my mind creates the scripts where you; this time fight for me.

I fight to block the lingering scent of your cologne out of my subconscious where the aroma of you and the creation of us bask on my pillow. In my bed where the seed of you and those before you, continue the cycle to bare this barren fruit filled passion disguised as the real thing

‘this time’.

Sex Sells; in the media, music, Hollywood and all facets of our culture. Through this propaganda we have bought into the idea that sex sells happiness. It is advertised as the ultimate indulgence with no consequences. Similar to the American diet this perspective is highly processed. It is high in pleasure and low in nutritional significant. (Wait..huh?) Don’t worry I’ll explain.

The glorification of sex is simply societal lust. All species have the innate desire to procreate to prolong their survival. To promote this natural and healthy process we feel sexual desire. This desire is simply the side effect of our biological intuition to initiate this self-preservation. By failing to make this connection between sexual desire and procreation we have stripped the essence and significance of sexual intimacy to that of lust. Lust is the desire of sexual pleasure devoid of value. By seeking pleasure without principle we may be attracting more pain than pleasure.

Our addiction to lust is similar to our addiction to processed foods. They both lack the complete nutritional value our bodies crave to survive. (Still confused)? Let’s break this concept down. Sugar is one of the most processed foods in the American diet. How can it be so lethal and addictive when it is derived from the nutrient-dense fruit? The significance is how our bodies processes the two.

Whole fruits are high in sugar but also rich in many other nutrients essential to our bodies. When we consume whole fruit our bodies takes time to slowly release the perfect amount of energy our body needs to thrive. It is our bodies natural way of maintaining equilibrium. Therefore, the gratification our body feels is balanced. The fruit is the whole package.

Contrarily, sugar causes a dramatic and immediate spike in energy giving us a hyper sense of satisfaction. Because sugar is derived from its natural state there is no substance accompanied with it to slow this process down. Therefore, our bodies become addicted to this rapid strike of instant gratification that is both unnatural and unrealistic for the body to maintain. Thus, lust like sugar have been derived from its natural state which in turn both hinders and alter its natural functionality.

In our bodies Lust functions similar to the sugar derived from the fruit. The difference is our bodies cannot distinguish the different between a lustful fling and a lifetime partner. Therefore, the love and passion that should be reserved for nest building is incorrectly exerted onto the wrong partner who is uninterested and uncommitted to a partnership. This state of denial encourages complacency because either you are building or you are stagnant. We have to be selective about who we give this very sacred energy to because not everyone deserves this level of trust and energy from us.

Now I know popular culture has stigmatized the emotional connection between the male and female but it is a natural and vital part of the survival of most species. Which is why we really have little choice in ‘catching feelings’. Oxytocin is a powerful hormone linked to building trust and bonds within relationships. It is no surprise that it is released in abundance during our most intimate moments. Both men and women release this chemical when their body reaches a orgasm. It is also released by mothers during childbirth and breastfeeding; it creates the most natural and secure bond between mother and child. (Just like the whole fruit naturally balances the body). This chemical is so potent that it plays a very important role in the protection of our off-spring. Through its release we are compelled to sacrifice and endure struggle for the protection and survival of those we share this special connection with. By releasing these emotions a special bond is created to encourage survivalism through perseverance and sacrifice that we are willing to take to protect our off-spring. Therefore, there is nothing unnatural about the creation of intimate connections. The social stigma attached to sexual bondage is born out of our societies obsession with lust and is both highly processed and unnatural.

I now understand that sex with no substance is equivalent to food with no nutrients. We really are only what we consume. If we want to thrive in life we have to give our body what it needs. Anything that hinders this ability is toxic. In this sense, lust is synonymous to the empty calories found in processed foods. They are both highly addictive and unnatural when extracted from its organic origins. Why should you settle for just the sugar when you deserve the whole fruit?

I have this secret addiction to pain, it is why I crave you,

You reach all of my peaks, my highs and my lows, leaving me desperate for any emotion, pain or pleasure it is your pick.

The silence slowly slices my confidence sending my rage and pain into confusion.

How did I arrive at this place again?

In the lowest hours I curse myself, my punishment for believing in the myth you, yourself never bought into.

Your intolerance for my love marked in black thick permanent ink, yet I continue to draw over it. Twisting your letters into the words that soothes me.

It is unfair to displace my pain onto  you. Truth is, my pain predates your existence. The constant longing for validation outside the confines of my psyche.

I am no fool,

I understand clearly the disconnection. The bandaid I beg of you seals the surface of my wounds. It allows me to ignore the burdens beneath.

You cannot reconstruct what you cannot touch.

I will wrap my arms around this aching until you relax the the surface again.

The cycle of my addition.

Why can’t  you just reach further? Why can’t you seal what is exposed underneath?

Un-live the events in which these scars were born, peel away the layers of patch work, and redo me!

I am no fool,

I know your hands cannot reach the confines in which my secret lies,

I am addicted to building on this compromised foundation,

I know nothing can thrive on the surface of these fault lines,

It is here, deep inside, that my worth remains buried, forever consoling my secret addition.

I’m on a new mission; I’m going to find myself.

A lifestyle change that is catered to being my best-self.

I’m no longer committed to carry the baggage I bought from this culture of gluttony.

This is my life, my journey, and I have to protect it.

The myth that glorifies material lust over peace of mind; I’m walking away from.

The social doctrine that advertises wealth as freedom; I’m escaping from this mental trap.

I’m taking charge of my life.

I want to live, in order to do that I have to peel away the layers of glue keeping me stuck to this way of life.

I’m breaking the shackles indebted with a passion not my own.

 

Everyday is another chance to get it right this time. Lauryn Hill begins by repeating “I gotta find peace of mind, see that’s what that voice in your head says when you try to get peace of mind”.

It took me a long time to understand just how powerful I am. It was my body that made this discovery for me. (LoL wait.. I’ll explain). Our body is an amazing organism. If all we did was listen to it our bodies will give us peace of mind. It provides us with the blueprint to survive. When functioning at its peak it will breathe for us, fight infections, access danger, and alert us when we should eat, sleep, and drink… so yes, as humans we are inherently lazy.

I now understand when we listen to our bodies our peace of mind will find us. The peace of mind in Lauryn Hill song is eluding to this constant need for our bodies to reach equilibrium. Our bodies are so amazingly resilient that it still functions when we neglect to listen to it. To feed it the proper nutrients to fuel it; to rest when it needs to cool down; to shed excess baggage when it’s overwhelmed. If we start listening to these things we will hear our bodies encouraging us to do these things so it can function as its best self, smoothly at equilibrium. Once we reach this state of health of bodies will change our lives.

Our minds will function and flourish doing the things that we love, our passions that come natural to us, which are unique to us. I’m beginning to understand that life is less about making it or surviving based on a capitalistic perspective but living out our passions. It’s interesting to think that our bodies can thrive off all of the elements found in the earth. The fruits and vegetables from trees, the water from the springs and literally needs little beyond that. So why are we so adamant that we need so much more?

Of course we want the best for our off-spring, in fact we are biologically wired with the desire to procreate to prolong our lives. I just want us to think critically about what we have been socialized to want and the basic necessities we need to survive. Using other mammals as an example, we understand that our young mimic everything that we do. What is the number one thing you want to pass to your off-spring? I’m going to guess its not material. All the more reason that time, not material things are the most critical factor in their success as functional human beings. If we work as a community to stop glorifying goods that are not conducive to our survival we can change the social standard of what raising successful human beings look like.

I know some of these ideas may sound fantastical but I can’t help but think critically about how we can all be the agent for change. I use myself as an example because the things I once I thought I needed to be happy was nothing more than material lust. I am fascinated with this idea of extracting social standards to gauge my personal standard of happiness and freedom. The further I get away from social lust, the closer I get to ridding myself of excess expectations. This process is my bodies way of finding that piece of mind Lauryn Hill is searching for. What’s yours?

Why do we admire Angela, adore Lauryn, and honor Harriet?

Could it be the hair? The message? Or the gun?

What makes this Queen ruler?

She will not hide behind the mask, for she knows her features are the blueprint, embroiled in hyrogliphs.

She holds the love for her people, she will not compromise their royalty in the the battle of social doctrine.

Her eyes pierces through the lies because she carries the spirit of Queen Nzinga.

She hasn’t forgotten.

Her veins oozes purpose from the blood of her ancestors, their voices swirled in her coils, they lift her through the wilderness, enduring the struggle as they lead the masses home.

Her identity peaks down the canals of her hips, the fullness of her lips, and through her breast of life.

She is the African warrior.

She is the goddess.

She is the people’s light.

The reality really hits when you admit truth. Not in the sense you speak truth out loud, or you admit fault to someone. But, the hard truth. When you face it yourself.

Fear of greatness is real. It’s the notion when you finally get, that in order to incite change, change within is necessary. But, change is hard. No, not like the enlightenment from inspirational quotes on social media.

The real work is deciding and demanding change from within. Holding oneself accountable by measuring actions.

No more coping mechanisms, no more remorse, and finally no more wanting change, but finding solace in comfort.

You know, being comfortable is scary too. The dependence on security. The contentment of lack of progress. The compromise.

We have to make a choice, between the compromise and fear of falling…

The starting over, reinventing, rebuilding that comfort zone. Losing time, just to get back on track!

Yet, strength comes from activity, from building up endurance. It’s the capacity of storage accumulated through the different roads traveled. The blueprint.

Are we really afraid of failure or building ground beyond our ceiling?

When we ask what is the meaning of life, why we were put here, what is our purpose, the ultimate medium is to find and seek love through showing unconditional love for others, God is love, maybe our purpose is fulfilled when we love the hardest and sacrifice ourselves to vulnerability and turmoil, not for the sake of reciprocity but because of compassion faith and hope, the ultimate measure only found through grievance and unselfish deeds passed along from the host, those who will carry the torch through turbulence must remain faithful and dedicated to that same purpose-there you will find meaning-for it is the ultimate act of selflessness-